Disclosure: I did not receive any compensation for this review. Can you spot me a Time-Turner? Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery is copyright of Warner Bros, Jam City and Portkey Games. Images used are for reference and commentary.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery is a totally righteous free-to-play mobile game.

Psych!

It is the offspring of a Veela and a Dementor. It draws you in with its radical graphics and tubular 80s setting and then sucks out your time, money and energy. Like, totally. Gameplay uses limited units of energy. Players start with 24 units. Each task takes 1-5 units to complete and units take 4 minutes to replenish. It – is – a nightmare. Hogwarts students must have been anemic in the 80s! You even need energy to rest…but not to focus. Logic is dead.

https://giphy.com/gifs/harry-potter-george-weasley-fred-NoBXm9gmqzx96

The story entails an AWOL brother, trippy visions and some magical ice. No, not a Hogwarts drug epidemic. Just…ice. Do Warner Bros and Jam City really expect me to be interested in the “mystery” of the magical corridor frost? Get real.

Characters include:

Rowan Khanna

Your square best friend, whose binary gender matches yours, because we can’t be BFFs with people of other genders. Barf!

Ben Cooper

A Muggle-born Gryffindor. He is so cowardly and pathetic he makes Neville look like the lovechild of Arnold Schwartzeneger and The Rock.

Penny Haywood

A Hufflepuff Mary-Sue with the same hairstyle as Lillie from ‎Pokémon Sun/Moon.

Andre Egwu

A Ravenclaw jock, who rocks a bitchin’ purple Pride of Portree scarf. You don’t “meet” him until Year 4. Even if you’ve taken several classes with him, spoken to him, and – if you’re a Ravenclaw like me – obviously share a dormitory.

Merula Snyde

The Slytherin bully. She is such a bland caricature, I almost forgot to put her on this list.

I don’t know what house you are in, but Chester Davies – the Ravenclaw prefect – can eat my shorts.

Because this game is set in the 80s, you can save up galleons to buy some butt ugly clothes. Witches and wizards do not know how to dress.

I was amped to see all the familiar faces. But some of them take years to show up – like Tonks and Charlie Weasley. Even though they are in my year! Why aren’t they going to classes?

Then there are all the teachers that are back in action – Dumbledore, McGonnagal, Snape. Woah, Snape is looking gnarly for a man in his 20s. The years have not been kind to him.

The biggest bummer was Hagrid. He asked me to make him a potion, but said not to tell Snape it was for him because they “don’t always get along.” Snape is a nasty man, but he knows he can’t get away with talking trash to staff – DA teachers excluded. Hagrid was just being shady and manipulative, asking me do dangerous things for him and encouraging me to lie.

https://giphy.com/gifs/reactiongifs-2OmM7YZbuEEg

If you want to play Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery for any length of time you will need to splash some cash. But unless you are loaded, high, juiced or a noob it legit won’t happen.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery’s biggest crime is being forgettable. For real. You leave the game alone to recharge energy, forget about it, and fail the task you were on.

Playing this game made me nostalgic for the days of gnome tossing on Pottermore. If you have space on your mobile device and Harry Potter is your fave, play Hogwarts Mystery casually. Otherwise, kick it to the curb.