Disclaimer: I did not receive compensation for this review. Not even in the form of anger management classes. Crossy Roads is copyright Hipster Whale. Images used for reference and commentary.

Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn’t. That’s his carcass right there.

This game is the result of a depraved mind. There are not many things I am afraid of in this world – owls, foxes, fire – but being squished by a car is one of them! Who thought this was a good idea for a game? I am traumatised.

You start playing as a chicken but can unlock other animals – and things – as you go. A hedgehog is not an option. Should I be relieved or offended by this? There is even the option of playing as a box of Fish and Chips. This game is entirely illogical! I played as a penguin and it drowned.

The controls are simple. The game is hard. You tap/swipe to move your character across the roads and train tracks and rivers. Who designed this town? A maniac? Is this purgatory? It never ends!

You can collect money as you cross – but who has time to pick up pennies when the traffic is this lethal? Kiddies, don’t pick up money on the road. Your life is worth so much more.

This is not a game to play as a stress reliever. It is frustrating and addictive. Every so often the game will give you a free pity gift to ease your pain. You can then use your moneys to get a random prize in the form of a new avatar.

I know what you’re thinking. Just be patient, Quillbert – but no! If you stand still for too long an eagle swoops down and flies off with you. A bloody eagle! Add eagles right up there next to owls on the poop-your-pants list. Don’t they have something better to do, like give rides to Hobbits?

I was also killed…by a drop bear. For those unawares, a drop bear is an evil koala that Australians invented to scare off foreigners, because they don’t think their real animals are scary enough.

Crossy Roads makes its money by selling you different avatars to murder for US$0.99 a pop. They even offer some try-before-you-buy opportunities. I like this. Alas, there was no hedgepig, so I did not cough up the change.

There are also different modes for some avatars too. I played as a T-Rex and instead of cars there were others dinosaurs. Apparently a stampede is the best way to kill a T-Rex. Who knew?

Crossy Roads is an objectively fun game that you will either love or want to smash with a hammer. Play at your own risk.